Realizing you need God

Lately things have been going insanely wrong. From veering off the interstate and my car dies at the stop sign….to approaching the train track crossing and find a train parked – with 8 minutes to spare…. To arriving late to work – again – which will ultimately reward me with attendance points? Not a great start to my day.

As not to complain… other known facts of disrupt in our world –

Falling off a rickety porch – injuring foot/leg

Running out of gas in Tahoe because of faulty/floating gas gauge – other reason I was late.

Losing drivers license, debit card- found debit card- not driver’s license.

Habitually dropping, losing, forgetting and missing things.

Screwing up my words- such as tongue tied/backwards talking nonsense of what I am trying to say.

The list could go on, but you get my gist.

I am completely aware of the turmoil that is upsetting the being of my life. I am aware of the hindrances that block my happiness. The grief is setting in as the disruptions pile up and the overwhelming task of taking it all on consumes me.

I know the true answer. I know what I need to do. I need to surrender all of this to God. I’m finally accepting and realizing I need God. I can’t do this on my own. I try, but it just doesn’t work.

I know God is by my side every step, but I need him in front of me, not next to me. I need relief. I need him to take over. I need him to control the situations of my life. It is the part of me that has to let go of my pride and say –

I need you Lord, please ease this turmoil- take control of my life. Guide me. Instill within me the desires to seek your face. I am in a desperate place. I am upside down in my world and all I know to do is survive. Help me to do more than just survive. Give me your peace while I am taking each step of every day. Lord, I realized I need you. I need you up front and center in my life. Not simply next to me or always with me, I need you to move out front and lead me. My heart is so heavy Lord…lift me…help me. I love you with everything in me. You da best. Give my D a big hug and tell him I love him. And Lord, thank you for everything about my life especially for DMJKAEDAA. I pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.


Keep going

So much and so little time. How do I balance? How do I manage?

Responsibility upon responsibility piles up against me as exhaustion beats me down. The pride in my work and not wanting to do a poor job pushes me to continue and to work endlessly, pushing aside time frames and other tasks. Letting things around me build up, and meaningful appointments get pushed aside. I’m not even making the time for myself.

Out of the corners of my eyes I can see everything slowly growing…waiting…still in need of me…still needing completion or need of attention in some way.

Soon I break in exhaustion. I have to stop. I just can’t endure any longer. I am too overwhelmed.

Ok. Moment is over.

Pick back up. Go again.

It’s all still in the corner of my eye. It’s still there. It’s still waiting. I’m still tired. I’m still pressing on. I can’t quit. I can’t. I just can’t. Keep going. For today. Keep going.

One day at a time. Keep going for today. Fall out and rest. Get up. Keep going.

Its. Not. Easy. At. All.  And, its. Not. Fun.  But, you. Have. To. Keep. Going. One day at a time. Keep going.


Cherished love

After the death of a loved one you find  songs you once sang with the purest of joy,  purest of Heart, absolute love shining and beaming, with an absolute no care in the world- cease to exist.
The world as we know it now and these  songs become a bittersweet love. Teaching us a different perspective on love, a different perspective on joy, and a different perspective of love for God most often with tears streaming down our faces. Our hearts have been humbled into a cherished love.
With a cherished love we have a careful approach to what this world is really about. The songs simply are not the same anymore. Neither is the way we feel when listening to the songs….nothing is the same.

Thankful for my job

I’m tired and worn and so thankful it’s friday!  My 50 hour work week will soon be over and my worn lil feet can say YAY! You can rest!

Many days I want to complain and gripe about the “this” and the “that’s” of my job. Or the long hours or the tireless of my body but the truth of the matter is, I am blessed with a great job. I am blessed with great Co workers. I am blessed with the flexibility and opportunities to get more OT and extra money. I am blessed to be able to travel for training and meet new people. I am blessed to be able to learn new things and challenge my brain. I am blessed to have all of the opportunities that I do have with my job so even if times are long hot or even frustrating sometimes I should look beyond the immediate and see the big picture of the life that God has planned for me.
I am beyond blessed to mother these  employees with safety. They are the ones who God has entrusted me with.
I am thankful for my job. Through thick and thin, the highs and lows, the good the bad and oh yes even the ugly – I am blessed!
Thank God It’s Friday! *I’ma sleep in tomorrow! LOL

I know you have a purpose

We all go through life struggles. The lord never told us that life would be easy. In fact he told us “in this world you will have trouble.” (John 16:33…)

My heart deepens with sadness at this verse. This particular point in my life I am not focused on the latter part where he encourages us in saying, “but take heart! I have overcome the world.” (…John 16:33)

Yes my burdened heart raises a corner of its smile to say whew, thankfully. But nonetheless the corner slowly drifts back down and it doesn’t waver from its crushing grief.

Why God? Oh why did you pick me? I didn’t sign up for this. My heart can’t handle this. My brain can’t function through this. My world is more out of my control than ever before. I know you are teaching me. I know you are completely handling this. I know you have purpose for this. I know you trust me. I know you love me more than anything. I know you know what I am going through because you lost your son to. And you lost your son – for – me. I didn’t lose mine for anybody. Just myself and our family and his friends. I know you see big picture. I know you see the story. I know you know why you picked me, but I don’t know why you picked me. Many days I really REALLY hate that you picked me. only because I don’t want to hurt this intensely.

I hurt way too much inside that I wish you didn’t pick me. I trust you tho. I know you have a purpose. Derrick wasn’t mine in the first place. He was always yours. He was just your gift to me. To take care of. To nurture. To love. And to give back. I did just that. I know it. Through thick and thin he was a blessing to all of us. I miss him so very much right now!! Give him a squeeze hug for me and tell him his momma loves and misses him!

And God, thank you for picking me. Even when I question you, thank you for picking me to be his momma and to live this story – for You.



Many thoughts but no words today.
I think I have to many thoughts clouding my brain any my heart.
Days have overwhelmed me into silence. I pray rest finds me and crazy dreams stay away. I’m to tired for restless dreams tonight.
Sleep well. Sweet dreams. I love you.

The Meeting


Beautiful, comforting Trust!

Originally posted on Sorrow to Victory:

I have been following a blog of which the author calls herself  “God’s Sparrow.”  The title of her blog is Sparrow’s Scrolls. Today with her permission I am sharing with one of my favorite  writings of hers.  Her blog has blessed me greatly and I am sure it will you also.

As I read “The Meeting,”  it helped me to be aware once again that when we lose a loved one, God does not forget to include us in His plan as well. He lovingly lays a pathway before us and guides us along that pathway.

The Meeting

Date: October 18, 2010

Time: 4:30 am

Where: Heaven

Present: God


Good Morning. I have called you all together at this early hour to tell you that my Sparrow’s beloved has just suffered a stroke.  This has come as no surprise to me. It has, however, shaken her immensely.  It is not…

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